First and foremost, I want to thank my husband for his continuous support and for trying to remain positive. This post is the first I’ve written since starting fertility treatments four years ago. Since our journey started, we’ve endured countless struggles. It’s time I stop letting people silence me and normalize miscarriage and navigating loss.

To say that we’re devastated is an understatement. For eight years, my husband and I have been trying to start a family, but each time we are let down. Any time I start a baby book, I stop because it’s no longer relevant.

Now before I continue, this post does not welcome backhanded comments or religious comments because, quite frankly, I’m tired of the bullshit, fake suggestions, and commentary. This is a real-life matter that people need to start taking seriously.

This week, we learned that our third FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) stopped growing. This was my first time getting past the six-week mark, and to see a heartbeat was exciting. Unfortunately, when I went to my seven-week appointment on Tuesday, there was a faint heartbeat (the first time I heard it; it's still there, but barely), and the embryo reduced in size. It likely stopped growing shortly after my appointment last week, but unfortunately, I don't think we'll ever get a definitive answer (yes, it was chromosomally normal). This morning, my doctor confirmed loss, and I’m currently waiting for it to expel itself; if not, we’ll be looking into the next steps.

I say all of this in detail because I’m tired of people leading with the narrative that it’s, ‘In God’s hands’ or ‘When the time is right,’ among other unnecessary comments. Many of you have friends and family who are silently struggling because of these comments or a lack of support in general. It’s also why many of us do not or have stopped sharing our stories. I’ve even been told not to talk about it by people I trusted and strangers. Also, let’s stop supporting and hyping these influencers while simultaneously not supporting your friends or family who are going through the same thing. I’m not discrediting their experience, but your friend or family member needs you now more than ever. Further, do not tell us about someone else's story or that we should consider adoption, fostering, or surrogacy - IT IS NOT THE SAME. These are wonderful options for some people, but for me and many others, it’s taking away an opportunity that we've longed for.

Infertility is a ROUGH road that challenges your relationships, your marriage or partnership, and even the confidence you have within yourself. It is not easy, but until you’re counting how many angel babies you have (we now have four) and questioning your motherhood (to those who have lost, remember we are mothers), you’ll never understand the difficulty of every holiday, passing due date, trying to be happy for others, scrolling quickly past pregnancy and birth announcements, and many other occasions. This is not easy by any means.

What I do ask of you is to check on your friends and family members. Do they have PCOS or endometriosis? Is male-factor infertility a possibility? Did someone have a loss (or even a successful live birth) and has been struggling to conceive ever since? We can’t continue to allow the 1-in-4 pregnancies to be ignored, especially those of women of color, including those with a history of loss. My last clinic sent me home bleeding - no ultrasound after I asked, only an HCG test that showed I was still pregnant (it takes up to two weeks if not longer, to go to 0), so you can imagine how terrified I was after my appointment this week. Needless to say, I’m grateful that my current doctor took her time to retest me for practically every known condition to make sure I was ready, and I think her current level of care is exactly where it needs to be and that her suspicion as to ‘why’ this time around may be right. So please, ladies, talk to your doctor. Be persistent in that everything is charted and make sure it is charted (if they refuse, tell them to chart the refusal so you can hold them accountable and pursue legal action if something goes wrong). You’re your only and best advocate, remember that.

To all who have lost, I’m here with you. Whether we’re grieving in silence or finding a way to cope, we’re here together.

To our four angel babies - we love you. You are now protected by your ancestors. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Until we see each other again.